I’m not someone who enjoys fussing.
I’m always preaching “let’s work it out now and cry later” because, of course, time is of the essence and we can’t waste time crying about wasting time, right? A lot of my fussing is done on Substack these days. Am I proud? No, this side of me doesn’t exist online because, as someone who takes my pessimism and runs with it, I have to be extra careful about what I say, how I say it, and what’s done after I say it, sprinkled in being depressed that a match isn’t made in heaven.
After sitting in the same spot, crying for the past couple of days, I knew the “bear” was in my rear view. Not being in therapy for a year allowed me to deal with it and not talk through it, so I decided to start the process of seeking a therapist. Being diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, along with other issues, I may not be able to work due to the chronic back pain. Now, I’m thinking, do I apply for disability, and am I disabled? Never thought in a million years I would be in this position. I knew it would be bad, but not this bad. Now that I can note the triggers, I can take the necessary steps to move in a better direction.
In yesterday’s group chat, I announced that I needed to take a longer “break.” and the message that MoAde M. J. said opened my eyes with three words that ring true: “rest is resistance.” I’ve been running on this treadmill of “getting out of the hole” for so long, I’m tide. I noticed I started to lose focus on the mission: to tell stories, inspire, and breathe life into Black women who feel their health and wellness are being ignored.
That said, I also think it’s important to show gratitude to those who show up silently. I want to take a moment to thank every subscriber who has read, shared, and commented on any of my newsletters. With every storm comes a peak of sunshine, and seeing that someone had purchased a paid subscription made me smile and feel seen.
Writing is my safe space, so you will always get a word or two from me from time to time, but I feel like I need to give myself a little more time to sit and be still, or as I like to say, “plotting and planning.” If you are a paid subscriber, you have full access to the Substack Lives I’ve done so far.
You all are more than welcome to refer a friend who may also need to feel seen. Through the smoke, I can always find the gems or “seeds.”
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Until next time
Thank you for the shout-out! I must state that the concept of rest as resistance pre-dates me. Audre Lourde is most famous for stating "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." The relevant context is that Audre was battling cancer when she wrote this, and in a world that often works Black and Indigenous women to death or disablement, she recognized that self-care is truly a radical form of love.
I am glad to know that you are taking these words to heart. Especially at a time where the Amerikkkan war economy rages on, and we are struggling from Dailly Detention Center to George Floyd Square, our people are in need of much love. Solidarity is love. Self-care is love. This page and what you post are acts of love. I am grateful for your existence and your resistance.
Marion Teniade speaks a little more about what Audre ment in this insightful post: https://marionteniade.substack.com/p/actually-self-care-is-not-resistance