What a difference a week makes. I’m gonna be up front and straight to the point. Ya girl is going through some shit, and until I can get an understanding of my thoughts and what I’m feeling the next few newsletters will be paid. I decided to write a series because I have to keep my thoughts, or what I know of them, organized somehow. In honor of my 40th birthday, I decided to give a 40% discount on all paid tiers. This particular series will help me sift through lessons I learned, what I don’t want, what I do want, and what I’m no longer willing to accept.
If you can’t afford a subscription, you can always help me celebrate with a one-time donation.
When people say the body knows before the mind does, I didn’t understand it until now. Let’s go back to the beginning of the year. I decided to hop back on Facebook and focus on SistahCare Alliance engagement and possibly new subscribers. Out of boredom, I decided to try Facebook Dating. I will never allow boredom to dictate a dumb move like that. Even when I was on Facebook heavily, I didn’t explore the dating side.
I finally matched with a male that I found attractive. The theme I noticed is that men will match and not pursue out of ignorance. I found myself reaching out more than being reached out to, which should’ve been the first red flag. After reaching out to the guy, we talked on the chat and moved it to texting. May was such a busy month. I’ve planned so many things for SistahCare Alliance, this newsletter, and other projects I was starting. I had commitments after briefly talking about my schedule. He pressed me about meeting up again. I was unsure.
We were still talking and communicating, so I didn’t see anything alarming until I decided to stop reaching out. I noticed that when we did communicate, it was always me reaching out and initiating contact. Last week, I was fed up and sent a text explaining my frustration, and all he did was apologize. Nothing is wrong with apologizing; the issue is that after you apologize, you repeat the behavior. I noticed that he would view my IG stories but didn’t call or text, or he would have an off day and didn’t want to plan a meet-up.
As someone who relishes giving the benefit of the doubt, I still hoped for the best, especially since nothing was mentioned on his end; he didn’t communicate. At the end of June 2026, I decided to ask him straight up what the problem was. We started well and fell off. He basically lost interest when I couldn’t find a time in May (again, my busiest month). Last month, I decided to take a few moments to forward him my availability up until my birthday, which is in September. He friend-zoned me without my knowledge. No matter what calendar I sent him, he checked tf out. I was still romantically interested, but he didn’t tell me he wasn’t, so I guess it’s my fault for giving the benefit of the doubt and not listening to my body and intuition.
After giving me the “I care about people’s feelings,” he wished me the best and wanted to continue chatting. I responded that I was romantically interested, and we would not be chatting because I don’t like “chattin” with people who hurt my feelings. He responded with “ok 👍🏾,” and I blocked him.
After waking up from my own trance, I cried for a few hours. Snot bubbles and all because to finally like someone and they downgrade you to a funny friend that’s “cool” brings up a slew of insecurities of not always being chosen first, being looked over, the mama bear friend, the late bloomer. A million men find me attractive but not attractive enough to date me, and that’s what hurts the most. I’m not interested in hearing he’s out there; be more patient, or just because it hasn’t happened on your time doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
To that I say that’s some bullshit. I’m not interested in recycled ideologies. I just feel sad and don’t feel like talking, thinking, or eating. I’ve only felt this way one other time in my life, and it got so bad I broke out in hives. I’m currently not in the headspace of being “motivated” or seeing the “brighter side.”
To be continued…..